I haven't forgotten those memories, but for years I have often wondered could that girl with stars in her eyes ever come back? After so much loss over the years, I often felt stronger when I wasn't looking up at those stars.
I've always been one to hide MY dreams. I appeared to be doing it all, but things just often didn't feel right. I've never said anything. I didn't want people to misunderstand or think I was ungrateful. I just wanted to fit in with all the other happy, sparkly people. In the meantime, I had began to build walls around my life and my heart.
The little girl in me didn't know it, but every time I put those walls up I quietly lost a little piece of myself. I lost my sparkle. I tried to regain it by working harder, running more, and by trying to do life better and being happy for others. I had become an expert at spectating life instead of experiencing it myself, and often felt guilty when I was longing to see that sparkle again.
I finally decided to stop listening to all those criticizing voices from the past. God loved me too much to let me hide who I am any longer. So many times I've thought these wall were coming down only to let circumstances cause me to build them right back up.
I lost a child to cancer, and protecting him was out of my control. So each time someone tried to hurt my remaining children I try to take control over that situation, because I still can. I can still protect them.. right? I get defensive, when sometimes defensive was not the answer. There goes the wall. There went my sparkle.
I have a hard time with trust as well. I became good at keeping my circle small. Friendship was not important to me. It often brought too much drama and I wanted nothing to do with it. I built the wall, and didn't trust anyone outside my small little family circle. There went my sparkle.
So I've started on this new journey that God is leading me down. Our family is taking new adventures and opening ourselves up for lots of laughter and new friendships. I've opened up my heart for friendship again and I'm investing in those friendships, which I've not done in several years! Some of those friendships are close by and some of those friendships are those that began online and are now real life friends!! I've began to recover memories of my past and re-write them. I'm coming back alive with each memory lighting up my path. I'm beginning to see that sparkle again. Looking up at those stars again with giggles.
And like the stars that shine
across the void of darkness, because I chose to light them thousands of
years ago, so you could see them sparkle today — all those thousands of
deaths your heart sustained on this journey will only show how great my
love for you has been, is and will be.
And in those moments of greatest darkness, I will love you with an everlasting love. Again and again. (Jer. 31:3)
You will sparkle like a diamond in the sky.
And what better way to show your sparkle than to invest in a few sparkle running skirts from Sparkle Athletic!! I may or may not have just bought some for upcoming races! Get your sparkle on!