The problem, I had promised them last year that they could go. I had talked them out of it last year, but promised them... "next year." Here it was the last day to sign them up and I was working up a sweat to try to find a way to convince them to stay home. It's just hard for me to go there. It's hard for me to let my kids go somewhere that I can't keep an eye on them. It's always been this way since we lost Colt. Even the thought of sending them to school terrified me. Thankfully, I was able to get a job at the same school they go to. Tell me that's not devine intervention...hello! Not only that, but I've missed out on several ladies retreats with church because the thought of leaving them terrifies me. I feel like I need to spend every minute with them because who knows what tomorrow brings. The night Colt passed away I was gone. I had left him for a couple of hours to go finish up some Christmas shopping not knowing that when I snuck out that it would be the last time I saw him alive on this earth.
This fear I have is real and it's crippling. So here I was sitting in a parking lot eating my lunch while Luci slept in the back seat, going back and forth with myself about letting them go. I texted our Pastor and told him to put them on the list. When I hit the send button my heart was racing. I sat and I prayed...Please Lord, let them remember that I kept this promise and was just excited as they were. Don't let them know that they almost missed it again because of my fear. I want to leave them a legacy of hope. I don't want this crippling fear to cast out all hope. I want them to see our family go all out for Jesus, and His perfect will for our life. I constantly miss out on opportunities to live for Him because of my fear of losing them. I can't be afraid. I have to look these fears in the eye and say " I have Jesus, He's bigger than cancer, or tragedy."
I teach my children that they can do all things through Christ who gives them strength, that He is with us wherever we go, and will uphold us with his righteous right hand....it's time for me to live it.